proud mom 2

When I was a kid, I remember my mother having to scold me because she used to have a hard time teaching me how to read and write. Not that I was a slow learner, but I felt that I was too young to bother learning at five. I thought that I should have been busy playing with my playmates at that time, considering that you will be in grade one at the age of seven then. Nonetheless, I did not have any choice but listen to my mom because she was dead serious in making sure that before I go to school, I'm all ready literate. Well, it did pay off, because I was well prepared for school when I first had my first classmates and teachers. I was among those few who did not have to go through the crying process the first time their parents are leaving them at school.

Now that I'm a mother to a five-year-old kid, I feel lucky that my son is very eager to learn. At the age of 2 1/2, he started showing interest in learning. He was asking me if he can go to school then. I felt that it was too early so I declined, but had to promise him I'd allow him to go to school the following school year. When he was 3 years and 3 months old, I enrolled Boris in a daycare center. My goal then was for him to be able to socialize with kids his age. That is because I seldom allow him to play with kids in the neighborhood beyond our control.

My son showed fear in being left alone with strangers at the first three days. What I did then told him I'd stay with him but slowly leave whenever he was not looking. I was then explaining to him that it was a safe place so I had to leave him since he was the one who wanted to go to school. Fortunately, my son listens to what his mom says. In time, he was used to the daily routine of school. At that time up until the following year in daycare, I never forced my son to do his home works or to attend school. He brought home a medal for being the most creative student in his first year in the daycare center, and later on the most outstanding student just this March.

I felt so proud to see my son having his second medal in school. More than that, I am very proud that my son is not only smart, but very obedient as well. He is also showing great interest in learning. There's no chance that my mom or I will force him to study. When we say that its time for his daily school time, he gladly obey. He welcomes new knowledge and is determined to learn. Now at the age of five, he knows how to read and write, can add and subtract small numbers, can read numbers up to thousands, can surf the internet and install games, and can read time from the analog clock. He can also speak and understand a few English words. He is not some kind of kid who was born gifted like the Promil kids we see on TV, but he definitely loves to learn. He's simply amazing.

My son is not just smart and loves to learn. He's also a very sweet child. He never fails to say that he loves all of us in the family. He shares what he has with everyone. He has a friend now who is always in our house every single day, who he treats like his brother. He sometimes gets to fight with him like usual kids do, but he never did anything overboard. It is fine with him that his playmate is like a son to us and does call me mommy or my brothers tito, and my mom lola, and everyone in the family of his own. My son was never jealous of his playmate, he treats him like his own brother.

Not every parent can have such a lovely kid as my son is. I do hope that he will always be a good child, and will grow up a very nice person. Nonetheless, whatever will happen in the future, there's one thing for certain. My son will always be a lovely person for me and I will make sure that I will raise him the best possible way. As my mom had said once, the only way I could pay her for all the love and support that she and our father gave us is by giving more to our own kids. I do hope that I'm serving my main purpose in life now, aside from being a Christian, which is being a mother and wife.

coming soon?

They say that vitamins are good for everyone, young and old. You may get them from your food and drinks, and even from the sunlight. (vitamin D) However, a lot of vitamin supplements are available in the market nowadays because not all of us live a healthy lifestyle. Yet, not everyone takes vitamin supplements because of many reasons.
I, personally, wasn't used to taking vitamins because I hate taking any form of medicine and the likes. The taste and the texture of tablets and syrups suck. Aside from that, I tend to forget taking the vitamins, even when badly needed. For example, when I was pregnant, I had to take multivitamin supplements but I was not able to religiously take them when asked. I skipped a lot of times, purposely and not.
Lately, I'm proud to say that I am regularly taking my vitamin supplements for a week now. My taste buds do accept the vitamins I have been taking and I don't feel uncomfortable taking them anymore. I have not been forgetting to take them as well as if I'm getting used to it. I guess, this just proves the saying that if there's a will, there's a way.
You might be wondering what drives me to take vitamins lately. Well, I just have to. I promised my self a few months back that I will be taking care of my self more than before. I promised my self that I will be on the lookout when it comes to my health. I have to because I badly want to get pregnant again. I want to give my son a brother or a sister. I want to have someone in addition to our happy family.
My son Boris had been an only child for five years now. We have been enjoying having him as the only child in the house. But then, I know that it would be better if we will have another one. Besides, I know people who don't have siblings and they all wish that they had even one. Boris does want a sibling, and I can see that he really need one. Besides, there's no better time for me to conceive but as soon as possible because I am not getting any younger my self. My parents who have been very helpful in taking care of my son, are not getting any younger either. They have been wanting to have another grandchild to take care of while they can still manage.
I hope my efforts will pay off. I've been thinking of seeing my OB-gynecologist after this month if my test is still negative. I want to see two lines on the pregnancy kit again. Hopefully, it would be soon...

proud mom

It was one of the days last week when my mom told me that my son is smarter than me. I answered back by saying that it's good.

Is there any mother who would not feel proud about having an intelligent son? I must admit, I was expecting this. I knew right from the beginning that my son will make any mother proud of his intelligence. Not only because I'm his mother, but I've seen him express interest in learning more than any kids his age that I've met personally. I know he may not be in comparison with those gifted children we see in commercials or features, yet he's definitely a great kid.

More than his intelligence though, I'm proud that I'm his mother because he has been bringing joy to everyone in the family. Not only does he make everyone laugh, he also makes everyone feel loved. Contrary to our belief that a kid usually enjoys being the center of every body's love and attention, my son makes sure that he makes everyone around him feel loved. It is as if, he has so much love in his heart that he wants to share to all of us. He never needed to choose if he loves his father or mother more, or his grandpa or grandma. He can always gladly say that he loves everybody.

I honestly have so much to say about my son. I would not even be done telling everyone every little thing about him that makes me so blessed, in just one day. I guess, these are just about it for the day. I will just have to end this note with words that he will surely be able to read and understand now that he can read at the age of four. (turning five)

MAHAL KITA BORIS. -mommy

Yosi kadiri! (Cigarette is disgusting!)

I remember growing up hearing this being said by former Senator Juan Flavier, who was then the secretary of the Department of Health.

DOH launched a campaign against cigarette smoking at that time. There was even a mascot who represents a stinky and dirty human version of the cigarette.

Being a child at that time, that campaign against cigarette smoking had an impact on me. I believed in the TV commercials and the posters that cigarettes are bad for our health.

When I was growing up, I made sure I will never smoke cigarettes. I was thinking then, what will I get from it anyway? I am very much aware that it's bad for my health, so there's no need for me to even try. Besides, it's just going to cause me money. Cigarette is not like food that I will feel good about eating and will make me full.

I never felt the peer pressure that other smokers reason out as to why they learned to smoke. I had friends and classmates in college who smoke a lot. In the workplace, I have always had a lot of colleagues smoking. Nevertheless, I had always managed to politely say that I don't smoke.

Having this outlook about cigarette smoking, I never thought that I will be married to a chain smoker. Barry and I had a lot of misunderstandings because of this vice. We even had a compromise then that he can smoke but he should learn to limit himself.

For quite some time, Barry stopped smoking. I was very proud of him at that time because I did not ask him to do so. He did it on his own will. I then thought that he will never be tempted to smoke again.

I guess I was wrong, because Barry smoked again. My only consolation is that, he doesn't smoke as much as he used to. Somehow, he managed to limit himself. He promised me that he will stop smoking completely, in time. He asked me to be patient with him and give him ample time to quit. He said that he will make sure he keeps his promise.

I am not forcing my spouse to quit smoking if he doesn't want to. I know that quitting is not easy. My concern is that, our son is growing up fast. In time, he will ask me why I allow his father to smoke when I tell him that it's bad. I don't want to see my son smoking cigarettes. It has been proven that it can do anyone no good.

As the saying goes, prevention is better than cure. I better prevent my son from even trying to smoke cigarettes, than for him to smoke in the future and then make an attempt to quit.

I was a boyfriend stealer

“I was a boyfriend stealer.”



That's how people perceived me to be. Perhaps, some people still think that I had really stolen my spouse Barry from his girlfriend five and a half years ago. I cannot blame them, because they never really understood how things happened between us then...

It all started when Barry and I became friends. I knew then that he wasn't the type of guy who will befriend a girl for the sake of friendship. But then, I didn't mind that, because I was comfortable talking to him. Let's just say, I was the "bridge" to his relationship with a friend who was then his girlfriend. Being a hopeless romantic that I am, I helped him and my friend to get in touch as often as possible.

As far as I was aware then, the reason why they had to have a bridge was because he has a girlfriend. That girlfriend according to him is supposedly his ex but his family didn't want him to give her up. On the other hand, his family didn't like my friend for him. Since they were hiding their relationship, they needed someone to get messages across. So there I was, playing a girl cupid.

Little did I know that that friendship will go deeper. It came to a point that we were not talking about my friend who was his girlfriend as much. What we were talking about were my crushes at work. I trusted him about those things, probably because he was also close to my brothers. We called each other "pare," even before the famous shampoo commercial was aired.

A few more months and I found myself reading forwarded short messages from him at night. During those times, my friend wasn't around often. They seldom needed my service as their bridge. Yet, Barry and I frequently talked about other matters aside from love life. He was like a trusted male confidante to me.

Around three days before my 21st birthday, Barry and I were able to talk. He told me then that he would like to be there on the occasion. I told him I didn't have money, but he said he will be in charge of a case of red horse. I then told him that I will just text him if there's a celebration.

On my 21st birthday itself, I got some flower and food gifts from suitors. There was also one suitor who took charge of the alcoholic beverages for everyone. Funny, because I didn't invite anybody, but a lot of guys came. I texted Barry and reminded him of his promise. After eating dinner, he said that he'd just give his share if there's nothing more to drink. Apparently, the alcoholic beverages that night were overflowing.

I happened to talk to him more often than the time I spent with the other guests that night. Then, at around three in the morning of the day after my birthday, we bid goodbye. Since we were out at the plaza with my brothers and their whole "barkada," he offered to walk with me to our home. When we were just beside our doorstep, Barry pulled me toward him and kissed me passionately. I didn't know how and why it happened, but I kissed him back. Then, when I got back on my senses I said, "itigil na nga natin tong kalokohang to." (let's stop this foolishness)

I went upstairs and was about to close my eyes when I received a text from him. He said there that in whatever I do, I should take care of my self. His reason then was, "mahal kasi kita." (because I love you) I didn't know how to react then, but I found my self smiling after reading it.

That evening of April 6, he asked me over the phone if I would like to go out with him the next day. I said yes, without even thinking why. All I knew then was, if he would like to play games with me, I will. As far as I was concerned, I'm not the type of girl who will give in to a guy's demands that easy. I trusted my self so much that it didn't ever cross my mind that we can have a serious relationship.

We went out April 7 and watched a movie. After that, the following days seemed to pass faster than usual. We were like a couple when there wasn't even a specific day that we exchanged I love you. He did say that in his text, but not really personally.

He began acting like a boyfriend to me and got jealous of my suitors. There was one night that he asked me to go to his house and said we will talk. The next thing I knew, he all most forced me to have sex with him. That was because he was so jealous with one of my suitors who is a doctor. I was lucky that I managed to stop him and made him realize his mistake.

One day, I decided to stop fooling around with Barry. It was the day that I realized that I was having a deeper feeling for him. I didn't want to go on playing games with him because I was beginning to fall in love with him. However, I wasn't able to deny my feelings for him anymore. I asked him if he would like to come with me somewhere.

I really didn't have an idea where we will go, until I thought about going to a cousin's place. I texted my cousin and asked her how we can go to her house. (I wasn't aware where my cousin's exact place was) We went to Pulilan, Bulacan where my cousin lived. My parents didn't have an idea I was with Barry then. My cousin helped me asking their permission for me to stay overnight. She called them and said that she didn't want me to go home immediately because she missed me.

My cousin, Barry, and I had a good bonding moment while drinking gin calamansi. Then, Barry got a text from his friends asking where he was. I learned then that that day was supposedly the day they will be celebrating his friend and girlfriend's birthday. He said that he was with his "sweetheart" somewhere out of town. (that's me) He was then informed by his friend that his girlfriend was able to read his message.

That night, I was tipsy and very sleepy. I told my cousin that I wanted to sleep all ready so she prepared a bed in her living room. A few hours later, Barry woke me up as he kissed me. I didn't know if it was because of the alcohol or what, but that night I gave in. For the first time, Barry and I made love.

The following day was full of anxiety for me. I was thinking about what comes next after what happened between Barry and me. I was so worried that he will leave me because he got what he wanted and that he’s done with me. More so because I knew then that there will be a confrontation between Barry and his girlfriend as soon as he comes home.

I went to work that afternoon, aware that he was about to talk to his girlfriend. I all ready expected that he will ask for her forgiveness and make up with her. After all, she was the woman that they treated as Barry’s future wife. So, there was no reason for me not to think that I lose.

Later that night at work, I was surprised to see him outside. He picked me up and told me what happened between his girlfriend and him. He said that they broke up because she asked him to choose and he chose me. I didn’t know what to say so I asked him why he chose me. He said that he was in love with me.

I felt bad after that, because I felt the pressure of making him happy. I thought that if I will not be able to make him happy, then he must have made the wrong move. I wasn’t sure then if I will be able to love him as much as she loved him. I was afraid that he will not be happy with me because I wasn’t even sure if my love will be enough for him.

To make things more complicated, my family was informed that Barry was my boyfriend. They expressed their opposition to our relationship and even did terrible things to make us separate ways. My mom even tried to slap Barry and cursed him because of me.

It came to a point that I left our house to go away from my family. I opted to leave them than leave Barry. He brought me to my cousin’s place in Bulacan. About three weeks later, I had to go home because my parents said that they will allow Barry and I’s relationship.

They didn’t ask me to leave Barry anymore, but I saw in their actions that they’re still not fine with it. My mom and brothers often showed disgust when he was around.

One day, Barry told me that he wanted me to get pregnant. He said that that would be the best way for my family to accept him. He said that they surely wouldn’t want me to be a single mom so they will approve of him.

Six months into the relationship and we got married. We were four months pregnant then with our son Boris.

Some people were surprised that I was the girl Barry married. For the longest time, they knew that Barry’s former girlfriend will be his wife. Only a few people were aware that we were a couple.

I knew then that there were some who raised their eyebrows. Maybe, there’s still some who are not convinced that we got married because we love each other. Maybe, there are those who still think that we just tied the knot for the sake of our son.

I cannot, and shall not blame them. I just hope that one day, those people will realize that Barry and I had been in love with each other for more than five years. I did not steal him because I never intended to take him away from anybody.

Everything happened unplanned. We do not plan to stop loving each other either, just because people think that I was a boyfriend stealer...

thanks

It has been four weeks since the day I lost my darling little angel Beatrice Enna. With God's help and my family and friends' support, I am better now and has recovered physically. I know I will never heal completely in the sense that there will always be a little part of me that will feel the pain upon remembering her. However, I can safely say that I am also better emotionally and is now ready to face the world.

Hello world! I'm back. I am ready to go back to what I had been doing before. God made me a stronger person and I will not fail Him this time. To God be the glory, because at this point in my life, I have witnessed His unconditional love. May He be with me as I begin another chapter in my life. I hope and pray that He will allow me to fulfill my dreams for my self and my family in the near future.

My angel Beatrice, please always remind mommy of God's love so that I will not be in the wrong path any more...

To Barry, Boris, mommy, daddy, kuya, Bong, tita Evelyn, tita Aida, tita Silda, Vince, MJ, Daisy, Lovely, Elaine, Cynthia, Lentot, Lenlen, Lindsay, Apple, Yeth, Mags, Alma, Riza, Cecille, Elai, Bhelle, AJ, pareng Elo, Remily, Donna, mama Vicky, papa Jimmy, (and other friends and family that I forgot to mention, I'm sorry) specially to Dr. Danilo Centeno and his staff, thank you so much for everything. Of course, thank You Lord for Your love and for giving me my family and friends... I love you everyone!

I died... (and lived)

I died. Slowly, and painfully, over and over again.

I don't know if it's called exaggeration or over-acting, but that's how I felt for the past few weeks. It started when I had those blood clots and pelvic pains three weeks ago. I was so afraid thinking that I might have a miscarriage and lose our baby. We followed all of the doctor's instructions and I took all of the prescriptions to make sure that we will be able to save our baby. Each and every day, I prayed to God that He keep our baby safe and make every thing all right.

I had to be on bed rest. I rarely made time to sit in front of the computer. I made sure I'm relaxed and worry free all the time. I even told my self that I will never entertain anger in my heart for the duration of my pregnancy. I even told God that I will do whatever it takes to make sure that our baby is safe.

I was lucky enough to have the support and prayers of my dear friends. I was so grateful that my family and my spouse have always been with me in each and every step of the way. They have all been helpful for me to go through each day of uncertainty and hope.

I learned to seek God's help more often as the days passed. I found my self holding the bible day in and day out, hoping that the scriptures will help me feel better. I was telling God then that I will be a better wife and mother, and a better person as a whole. I made promises to God in hope that He will be delighted and take care of our baby.

Two weeks after that fearful morning that I had blood clots and pelvic pains, I woke up feeling the pain again. I was so afraid to pee that Sunday morning because I didn't want to see any blood. To my dismay, there was blood. It wasn't as much as before, but I was afraid I had to get the bible and pray. I told my mom as soon as she woke up and asked her to call a doctor.

I was brought to the doctor late that afternoon and admitted at his clinic for confinement. I was given intravenous fluids because the doctor said that I was dehydrated and then had an ultrasound later.

The sonologist said that our baby is still breathing and moving. However, I saw in her eyes that there's something wrong. My doctor then approached us and checked the ultrasound himself. He then asked that I be brought back to my bed.

A few minutes after, my doctor approached my husband and I and talked to us regarding the ultrasound results. He then said that I have a myoma (uterine fibroid) which prevents our baby from moving upwards to the right place in my uterus. He said that our baby is not secured in the place where she is. (which is almost near my cervix) Then, in a low voice he said that he will be honest to tell us that "the chances of our baby being saved is 50-50."

Bang! I felt like I was shot. I didn't know how to react. My husband had to hold my hand firmly as we try to understand what the doctor said. We thought everything will be all right upon knowing that she's fine in that ultrasound but we were wrong.

I can't explain what happened after. All I know is that my mom said later that I had to give our baby to the Lord because it seemed that there's nothing we can do. She said that my spouse and I must leave everything to God because with the myoma in my womb, our baby had little chance of surviving. I was crying like a baby as she tried to explain that my son Boris needs me more than a sister so I have to accept what fate has to offer.

That night, I hardly had time to sleep as I pray to God that His will be done. The pelvic pain went on as well as more blood clots. I held on to the bible as often as I could and hoped that there will be a miracle or something. I also told God that if our baby will survive this, I hope that she will survive all the way to the ninth month. Or if not, then let her not suffer much time in my womb, only to die. I was like crazy, because in my mind I was thinking that it's okay if I will die for as long as my daughter will live, but on the other side I was thinking that I am willing to give my daughter to the Lord because Boris needs me more.

That Monday, I had to go through so much physical and emotional pain brought by the situation. I felt like being tortured, and even killed over and over again. The doctor said that there's medicine in my IV fluids to stop the bleeding and pelvic pains but it just went on. The doctor then said, "I guess we can't save the baby anymore."

Bang! I was shot again. I told the doctor that we've accepted the situation and are prepared to face whatever happens. Yet, I know that I was still convincing my self that things will be all right. My spouse can only hug me tight and show his unwavering love and support even though I saw in his eyes that he wanted to cry.

That Monday night up until the dawn of Tuesday, I felt labor pains that really made me cry. I was so down I wanted to die. I was killed over and over thinking that all of the sufferings and physical pains I had to endure were not in any way going to save our baby.

Finally, I delivered our baby as I peed around five in the morning. I died for the nth time and only God knows how I wanted to see our baby. But, I wanted to see her alive, and not in that state. She was so small and fragile. The doctor had to bring me to the delivery room for the d and c. (dilation and curettage) I was thinking then that I want to be sedated right away for me to be unconscious of what had just happened.

I woke up a few hours later and was brought back to my hospital bed. When the effect of the anesthesia was gone, I was brought back to reality. I held on to Barry and he hugged me tight. Then I cried a river uttering "baby ko." ( my baby!) He can only offer his warm embrace as I repeatedly uttered those words, hoping that I will be able to accept what happened.

Moving forward to this day, a week after that fateful day of my miscarriage. I asked my self if I'm okay. The answer is an indefinite yes. I am coping and trying to live a "normal" life. I know that God is faithful to His promises and that the things happened for a reason. I am not blaming any body for what occurred. Yet, I can't deny that I still feel like dying over and over again.

I don't know when will I ever stop crying, and thinking what could have been if she didn't die. I am healing my self and living each day with endless prayers. I thank God each day for my friends, family, and most specially Barry and Boris who made me feel blessed in spite of everything that went on.

I died so many times, but lived and will live so many times also. That is because for that short span of time that I had this whole experience, I became closer to my family and to God. God gave me hope that there will be a brighter day. He made me realize that I was blessed enough to have a meaningful three months of pregnancy that changed my life for the better, which will be forever.


As for our baby who we named Beatrice Enna, her memory will always remind us to be humble upon the Lord. She may not be around but her short existence is enough to prove to us that God is good, all the time.



I asked the Lord for strength with endless prayers
and reading the bible that day that I was confined

a letter to my angels

My dear little angels,

For the past few weeks, mommy have been into a terrible physical and emotional condition. I know that since both of you doesn't have any means of telling me how bad of a mom I have been, I just want you to know how sorry I am for my behaviors.

Boris, I'm sorry that mommy doesn't have much strength to teach you your lessons as much as I want to. I'm sorry that we don't get to bond as much as we used to when mommy doesn't have work.

My darling baby (in my womb) I'm sorry that mommy tends to forget taking our daily dose of multivitamins. I'm sorry that I am too emotional and can't set my negative feelings towards your father aside in favor of you. I'm sorry that I can't keep only happy thoughts only in my mind which is what I'm supposed to do.

I sincerely apologize that I was so bad in thinking what I thought last Monday just because of all the difficulties I've been going through. I know that no matter how hard things can be, the two of you will always be my priority.

Thank you my little angels, for all of the joy you bring into my life. God has been so good to me for trusting me enough with two babies.

Remember that mommy loves both of you and will always do.

Love lots,
mommy Ruby Anne