D Notebook

Favorite movie: THE NOTEBOOK.

Browsing through different blogs and profiles of random people, I found this particular movie as one of the most common movies that come up in the list of their favorites. Apparently, in my 26 years of existence, I never got the chance to watch the said movie. I told my self that this must be a really good movie worth watching. I knew I had to see this.

A few days ago I downloaded this movie from the internet and watched it last Tuesday on my day off. I then realized, it is indeed a movie worth watching. It is not something really big. You wouldn't see superior visual effects or the likes. Was not even nominated for the academy awards. It was simply amazing based on the story itself.

While watching this film, I felt my self really into it. Its as if, I was the leading lady in Allison. When she was young, she was full of promises. A good person but rebellious in her own right. Passionate and very loving. But then when she got old, she had dementia that prevented her from remembering who she was as well as who her family is. I imagined my self just exactly like her.

It may sound not right, but it does get in my mind that there might be a time that I will be forgetting who I am or who my family is. I've been telling my spouse Barry that he should be glad that though I tend to forget a lot of things at my age, I have never forgotten that he is my spouse yet. It is some kind of a joke, but I do think sometimes that it's not impossible. I've been forgetful about a lot of small things since God knows when. In time, when I get old, I might just forget bigger things. If it does get happen, I'm afraid that my spouse would suffer the consequences more than anyone.

The movie ended with Noah and Allie holding hands while in bed, slept to death. Its a one in a million possibility that any couple can end up dying beside their partner. However, a lot of us do wish to die a peaceful death. And if asked who we will choose to die with, then it's better to die with the love of our lives. In that way, we will not leave our partner feeling the pain of losing the most precious person in their lives. More so in that case, since their children are old enough to take care of themselves, having families of their own.

Noah and Allie dancing when they got old

I know it could be a selfish thing to think of my spouse Barry getting through what the leading man Noah had to go through. He spent his life making sure that he would be able to give his love Allie everything that she wanted. He made sure he was there with her through thick and thin. Through all of the times that she did not know herself. He read to her their love story every chance that he got, hoping that she will eventually remember everything and they can live their lives the way they used to. So in love with each other.

Barry would never have to go through such. Hopefully, I would never have to go through what Allie had to go through. But then, if there's no way that I can prevent that from happening, I just hope that my son (or probably kids) are old enough to take care of him/themselves when that happens. I know I can't control what may or may not happen, but I do hope that whatever comes our way, my loved ones are brave enough to accept everything and live their lives the way they should.

--

I deserve to be happy too

I asked Barry to vanish before my eyes yesterday or I might end up throwing him a hot flat iron. I was pressing our clothes at that time. This may seem another overreacting moment for me, but I don't really mind. I know I have all the right to react this way.

I am not complaining about what I have been doing for my family. I chose to work because I know that it's the best thing to do so that we can manage our financial needs better. I chose not to seek help because I know I can handle everything. However, it doesn't mean I don't get tired. It doesn't mean that I can tolerate seeing him get drunk on his day off and then complain that he's always tired and sleepy.

I never really asked so much. All I ask is for him to support me the way he has to as my spouse. We should be a team here, but it seems that I'm left alone to do the household chores. I know I can take care of everything, but it doesn't mean I don't need help. It's not too much if he can just be there to accompany me to the supermarket for the groceries. It's not much if he can bathe our son and see to it that he has eaten his lunch or dinner when I'm busy with the chores.

Do I have to tell him every detail of what he has to do? Can't he just see that there are things that I can't take care of, that maybe he can accomplish since he's not doing anything? Can’t he even clean the room while watching TV?

I know he had been with me during my trying times. He was there to give his love and support when I almost died after my miscarriage. I am forever grateful to him for that. However, he should be aware that I don't need him only on times of hardship. I also need him even when I'm perfectly fit and strong.

I hope that this will not lead to something worse. I have had enough of all the emotional stress for the past few months. For once, I want to be happy again. I want to finally be able to realize that life is still beautiful. I deserve to be happy too...

the way to one's heart

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

This is one saying that I must say I believe in. I have always had passion for food since I was a child and had more when I learned about this. I never cooked for Barry when we were not yet married. However, I made sure that he will like whatever food I will cook or prepare for him when he became my spouse. I am not really an expert in cooking. (not even close to being one) But then again, I know that there's no way he should be turned off to me because I'm a lousy cook.

For the last five years in our marriage, he never really cooked anything for us except fried rice, fried eggs, hotdogs, and the likes. His usual reason is that, there's no need for him to cook. He said that there are a lot of cooks in the household so he does not have to be another one. I even kid at times that he should be surprising me with his cooking ability one time because I know that he also knows how to cook.

This morning, I sent him an sms asking that he cook chicken adobo for us. I know I would like to see him cook because he wants to do it and not just because I said so. Yet, I forgot my pride and just asked that he do it. Well, I don't think he had a choice because we just had a misunderstanding. So if he really mean to make amends, this is the best thing for him to do.

I was so excited to go home this afternoon. I even wanted to pull the time and make it five pm all ready so that I can go home as soon as possible. Anyway, I did not have to wait long because we were dismissed earlier than usual.

As soon as I got home, I asked Barry if he cooked our dinner for tonight. To my surprise, my spouse does cook good. It tasted so perfect that I decided to have some for my lunch tomorrow.

I'm so glad my spouse finally cooked something for us. As early as now, I am looking forward to the next time Barry will be cooking again.

Now I must say that "the way to a woman's heart can also be through her stomach."

drink moderately

We danced like it's our JS prom. I even sang along the music coming from our pc just a few minutes earlier. It may seem corny or mushy, but somehow I wished that the night wouldn't end right away. I felt like falling in love with my spouse all over again...

To my disappointment, the night ended a little too early for us. It didn't work the way I wanted it to be because he was too drunk to dance with me all night. He had to go to bed after a song and a half. In a matter of around 15 minutes, I found my self just staring at him, sleeping so tight.

Well, I didn't really expect that there will be something magical after that drinking session he had. It had always been like this for quite some time. If there's a chance to drink, he'd grab it.He finds it hard to resist alcohol.

I really can't blame him. Barry has always been a social drinker since he was a teenager. He embraced this Filipino culture that much. What's even funny is that, he even manages to drink alcohol by himself if there's no one around to drink with him.

I tried to be his drinking buddy more than once. That is, for him not to go anywhere farther just to drink. It's because I am not comfortable that he drinks in places where I can't see him. You see, he has a tendency to be too drunk to be able to take care of himself and assure his safety. But then, it turned out that I just can't drink as much as I want to if only to keep up with him.

Given the situation, I just wish that one day, he'd be able to drink without having to be drunk at all times. Just like what the commercial says, "drink moderately."

friendster message

Barry and I had a misunderstanding again for the nth time this month. This is my message to him last night:

don’t u ever think that I will leave you for someone else. nor will I do something that will ruin us. u are my spouse, simply because I chose u to be. I chose u, because I love you and I know that I will love u till my last breath…

He sent me a reply this afternoon and this is it:

and don’t you ever think as well, not even in your dreams that I will allow those things to happen to us…

I love you and that will remain until there’s no forever…

You will always be my one and only…

sWeEtHeArT.

Sweet, ayt?

pangarap na lang ba?

isang buwan na ang nakalipas mula nang pinlano ko ang isang selebrasyon para sa amin ni Barry. ninais ko sanang tumungo kami sa labas ng lungsod para ipagdiwang ang aming ikalimang taong anibersaryo bilang mag-asawa.

noong Sabado, Oktubre 11 ang pinakahihintay kong petsa. hindi ko alam kung nagkataon lang, pero wala na namang natuloy na espesyal na selebrasyon. sa loob ng nakalipas na mga taon, laging ganoon ang senaryo. kahit anong pagpaplano ang gawin ko, nagkakaroon ng dahilan upang di yun matuloy.


after a movie date, our usual stuff...


sa pagkakataong ito, hindi yun natuloy dahil nagkaroon kami ng hindi pagkakaunawaan ilang araw bago ang aming anibersaryo. bagama’t nagkaayos kami nung Biyernes, hindi yun naging sapat upang umalis pa kami at magpalipas ng isang gabi malayo sa siyudad.

sa halip, isang simpleng pagdiriwang ang naganap. kumain kami sa labas. nagyakapan at naghalikan ng maraming ulit. at saka nagpalitan ng “I love you.” nagkasya na kami sa ganoon, na kung iisipin mo’y tila simpleng kabaduyan para sa ilan.

sa totoo, hindi ako kuntento sa nangyari. ganunman, naging masaya na rin ako. kasi kahit paano, naramdaman kong masaya ang kabiyak ko. hindi lamang naging kumpleto ang lahat dahil naisip ko, isang taon na naman ang hihintayin ko upang muling umasang darating ang pagkakataong maipagdiriwang namin ang aming anibersaryo sa espesyal na pamamaraan.

isang taon na naman, ngunit wala pa ring kasiguruhan kung aabutin namin o hanggang pangarap na lamang…

I was a boyfriend stealer

“I was a boyfriend stealer.”



That's how people perceived me to be. Perhaps, some people still think that I had really stolen my spouse Barry from his girlfriend five and a half years ago. I cannot blame them, because they never really understood how things happened between us then...

It all started when Barry and I became friends. I knew then that he wasn't the type of guy who will befriend a girl for the sake of friendship. But then, I didn't mind that, because I was comfortable talking to him. Let's just say, I was the "bridge" to his relationship with a friend who was then his girlfriend. Being a hopeless romantic that I am, I helped him and my friend to get in touch as often as possible.

As far as I was aware then, the reason why they had to have a bridge was because he has a girlfriend. That girlfriend according to him is supposedly his ex but his family didn't want him to give her up. On the other hand, his family didn't like my friend for him. Since they were hiding their relationship, they needed someone to get messages across. So there I was, playing a girl cupid.

Little did I know that that friendship will go deeper. It came to a point that we were not talking about my friend who was his girlfriend as much. What we were talking about were my crushes at work. I trusted him about those things, probably because he was also close to my brothers. We called each other "pare," even before the famous shampoo commercial was aired.

A few more months and I found myself reading forwarded short messages from him at night. During those times, my friend wasn't around often. They seldom needed my service as their bridge. Yet, Barry and I frequently talked about other matters aside from love life. He was like a trusted male confidante to me.

Around three days before my 21st birthday, Barry and I were able to talk. He told me then that he would like to be there on the occasion. I told him I didn't have money, but he said he will be in charge of a case of red horse. I then told him that I will just text him if there's a celebration.

On my 21st birthday itself, I got some flower and food gifts from suitors. There was also one suitor who took charge of the alcoholic beverages for everyone. Funny, because I didn't invite anybody, but a lot of guys came. I texted Barry and reminded him of his promise. After eating dinner, he said that he'd just give his share if there's nothing more to drink. Apparently, the alcoholic beverages that night were overflowing.

I happened to talk to him more often than the time I spent with the other guests that night. Then, at around three in the morning of the day after my birthday, we bid goodbye. Since we were out at the plaza with my brothers and their whole "barkada," he offered to walk with me to our home. When we were just beside our doorstep, Barry pulled me toward him and kissed me passionately. I didn't know how and why it happened, but I kissed him back. Then, when I got back on my senses I said, "itigil na nga natin tong kalokohang to." (let's stop this foolishness)

I went upstairs and was about to close my eyes when I received a text from him. He said there that in whatever I do, I should take care of my self. His reason then was, "mahal kasi kita." (because I love you) I didn't know how to react then, but I found my self smiling after reading it.

That evening of April 6, he asked me over the phone if I would like to go out with him the next day. I said yes, without even thinking why. All I knew then was, if he would like to play games with me, I will. As far as I was concerned, I'm not the type of girl who will give in to a guy's demands that easy. I trusted my self so much that it didn't ever cross my mind that we can have a serious relationship.

We went out April 7 and watched a movie. After that, the following days seemed to pass faster than usual. We were like a couple when there wasn't even a specific day that we exchanged I love you. He did say that in his text, but not really personally.

He began acting like a boyfriend to me and got jealous of my suitors. There was one night that he asked me to go to his house and said we will talk. The next thing I knew, he all most forced me to have sex with him. That was because he was so jealous with one of my suitors who is a doctor. I was lucky that I managed to stop him and made him realize his mistake.

One day, I decided to stop fooling around with Barry. It was the day that I realized that I was having a deeper feeling for him. I didn't want to go on playing games with him because I was beginning to fall in love with him. However, I wasn't able to deny my feelings for him anymore. I asked him if he would like to come with me somewhere.

I really didn't have an idea where we will go, until I thought about going to a cousin's place. I texted my cousin and asked her how we can go to her house. (I wasn't aware where my cousin's exact place was) We went to Pulilan, Bulacan where my cousin lived. My parents didn't have an idea I was with Barry then. My cousin helped me asking their permission for me to stay overnight. She called them and said that she didn't want me to go home immediately because she missed me.

My cousin, Barry, and I had a good bonding moment while drinking gin calamansi. Then, Barry got a text from his friends asking where he was. I learned then that that day was supposedly the day they will be celebrating his friend and girlfriend's birthday. He said that he was with his "sweetheart" somewhere out of town. (that's me) He was then informed by his friend that his girlfriend was able to read his message.

That night, I was tipsy and very sleepy. I told my cousin that I wanted to sleep all ready so she prepared a bed in her living room. A few hours later, Barry woke me up as he kissed me. I didn't know if it was because of the alcohol or what, but that night I gave in. For the first time, Barry and I made love.

The following day was full of anxiety for me. I was thinking about what comes next after what happened between Barry and me. I was so worried that he will leave me because he got what he wanted and that he’s done with me. More so because I knew then that there will be a confrontation between Barry and his girlfriend as soon as he comes home.

I went to work that afternoon, aware that he was about to talk to his girlfriend. I all ready expected that he will ask for her forgiveness and make up with her. After all, she was the woman that they treated as Barry’s future wife. So, there was no reason for me not to think that I lose.

Later that night at work, I was surprised to see him outside. He picked me up and told me what happened between his girlfriend and him. He said that they broke up because she asked him to choose and he chose me. I didn’t know what to say so I asked him why he chose me. He said that he was in love with me.

I felt bad after that, because I felt the pressure of making him happy. I thought that if I will not be able to make him happy, then he must have made the wrong move. I wasn’t sure then if I will be able to love him as much as she loved him. I was afraid that he will not be happy with me because I wasn’t even sure if my love will be enough for him.

To make things more complicated, my family was informed that Barry was my boyfriend. They expressed their opposition to our relationship and even did terrible things to make us separate ways. My mom even tried to slap Barry and cursed him because of me.

It came to a point that I left our house to go away from my family. I opted to leave them than leave Barry. He brought me to my cousin’s place in Bulacan. About three weeks later, I had to go home because my parents said that they will allow Barry and I’s relationship.

They didn’t ask me to leave Barry anymore, but I saw in their actions that they’re still not fine with it. My mom and brothers often showed disgust when he was around.

One day, Barry told me that he wanted me to get pregnant. He said that that would be the best way for my family to accept him. He said that they surely wouldn’t want me to be a single mom so they will approve of him.

Six months into the relationship and we got married. We were four months pregnant then with our son Boris.

Some people were surprised that I was the girl Barry married. For the longest time, they knew that Barry’s former girlfriend will be his wife. Only a few people were aware that we were a couple.

I knew then that there were some who raised their eyebrows. Maybe, there’s still some who are not convinced that we got married because we love each other. Maybe, there are those who still think that we just tied the knot for the sake of our son.

I cannot, and shall not blame them. I just hope that one day, those people will realize that Barry and I had been in love with each other for more than five years. I did not steal him because I never intended to take him away from anybody.

Everything happened unplanned. We do not plan to stop loving each other either, just because people think that I was a boyfriend stealer...

I died... (and lived)

I died. Slowly, and painfully, over and over again.

I don't know if it's called exaggeration or over-acting, but that's how I felt for the past few weeks. It started when I had those blood clots and pelvic pains three weeks ago. I was so afraid thinking that I might have a miscarriage and lose our baby. We followed all of the doctor's instructions and I took all of the prescriptions to make sure that we will be able to save our baby. Each and every day, I prayed to God that He keep our baby safe and make every thing all right.

I had to be on bed rest. I rarely made time to sit in front of the computer. I made sure I'm relaxed and worry free all the time. I even told my self that I will never entertain anger in my heart for the duration of my pregnancy. I even told God that I will do whatever it takes to make sure that our baby is safe.

I was lucky enough to have the support and prayers of my dear friends. I was so grateful that my family and my spouse have always been with me in each and every step of the way. They have all been helpful for me to go through each day of uncertainty and hope.

I learned to seek God's help more often as the days passed. I found my self holding the bible day in and day out, hoping that the scriptures will help me feel better. I was telling God then that I will be a better wife and mother, and a better person as a whole. I made promises to God in hope that He will be delighted and take care of our baby.

Two weeks after that fearful morning that I had blood clots and pelvic pains, I woke up feeling the pain again. I was so afraid to pee that Sunday morning because I didn't want to see any blood. To my dismay, there was blood. It wasn't as much as before, but I was afraid I had to get the bible and pray. I told my mom as soon as she woke up and asked her to call a doctor.

I was brought to the doctor late that afternoon and admitted at his clinic for confinement. I was given intravenous fluids because the doctor said that I was dehydrated and then had an ultrasound later.

The sonologist said that our baby is still breathing and moving. However, I saw in her eyes that there's something wrong. My doctor then approached us and checked the ultrasound himself. He then asked that I be brought back to my bed.

A few minutes after, my doctor approached my husband and I and talked to us regarding the ultrasound results. He then said that I have a myoma (uterine fibroid) which prevents our baby from moving upwards to the right place in my uterus. He said that our baby is not secured in the place where she is. (which is almost near my cervix) Then, in a low voice he said that he will be honest to tell us that "the chances of our baby being saved is 50-50."

Bang! I felt like I was shot. I didn't know how to react. My husband had to hold my hand firmly as we try to understand what the doctor said. We thought everything will be all right upon knowing that she's fine in that ultrasound but we were wrong.

I can't explain what happened after. All I know is that my mom said later that I had to give our baby to the Lord because it seemed that there's nothing we can do. She said that my spouse and I must leave everything to God because with the myoma in my womb, our baby had little chance of surviving. I was crying like a baby as she tried to explain that my son Boris needs me more than a sister so I have to accept what fate has to offer.

That night, I hardly had time to sleep as I pray to God that His will be done. The pelvic pain went on as well as more blood clots. I held on to the bible as often as I could and hoped that there will be a miracle or something. I also told God that if our baby will survive this, I hope that she will survive all the way to the ninth month. Or if not, then let her not suffer much time in my womb, only to die. I was like crazy, because in my mind I was thinking that it's okay if I will die for as long as my daughter will live, but on the other side I was thinking that I am willing to give my daughter to the Lord because Boris needs me more.

That Monday, I had to go through so much physical and emotional pain brought by the situation. I felt like being tortured, and even killed over and over again. The doctor said that there's medicine in my IV fluids to stop the bleeding and pelvic pains but it just went on. The doctor then said, "I guess we can't save the baby anymore."

Bang! I was shot again. I told the doctor that we've accepted the situation and are prepared to face whatever happens. Yet, I know that I was still convincing my self that things will be all right. My spouse can only hug me tight and show his unwavering love and support even though I saw in his eyes that he wanted to cry.

That Monday night up until the dawn of Tuesday, I felt labor pains that really made me cry. I was so down I wanted to die. I was killed over and over thinking that all of the sufferings and physical pains I had to endure were not in any way going to save our baby.

Finally, I delivered our baby as I peed around five in the morning. I died for the nth time and only God knows how I wanted to see our baby. But, I wanted to see her alive, and not in that state. She was so small and fragile. The doctor had to bring me to the delivery room for the d and c. (dilation and curettage) I was thinking then that I want to be sedated right away for me to be unconscious of what had just happened.

I woke up a few hours later and was brought back to my hospital bed. When the effect of the anesthesia was gone, I was brought back to reality. I held on to Barry and he hugged me tight. Then I cried a river uttering "baby ko." ( my baby!) He can only offer his warm embrace as I repeatedly uttered those words, hoping that I will be able to accept what happened.

Moving forward to this day, a week after that fateful day of my miscarriage. I asked my self if I'm okay. The answer is an indefinite yes. I am coping and trying to live a "normal" life. I know that God is faithful to His promises and that the things happened for a reason. I am not blaming any body for what occurred. Yet, I can't deny that I still feel like dying over and over again.

I don't know when will I ever stop crying, and thinking what could have been if she didn't die. I am healing my self and living each day with endless prayers. I thank God each day for my friends, family, and most specially Barry and Boris who made me feel blessed in spite of everything that went on.

I died so many times, but lived and will live so many times also. That is because for that short span of time that I had this whole experience, I became closer to my family and to God. God gave me hope that there will be a brighter day. He made me realize that I was blessed enough to have a meaningful three months of pregnancy that changed my life for the better, which will be forever.


As for our baby who we named Beatrice Enna, her memory will always remind us to be humble upon the Lord. She may not be around but her short existence is enough to prove to us that God is good, all the time.



I asked the Lord for strength with endless prayers
and reading the bible that day that I was confined