I am Nothing

"I am my Lord's humble servant. I am nothing without Him."

This is what I realized when it seemed that nothing seemed right and everything was wrong a few weeks ago. As you know, I had a miscarriage all most three weeks ago. I felt so low that I even thought that I wanted to die and just leave everyone. I wanted to be spared from what I was going through then, even if it might mean death for me.

Some people may understand what I've been through. Some people may have had worse experience that they'd just think I'm not strong enough. Honestly, I felt then that no matter how brave I thought I was, I was too scared when things slowly got out of place. I felt like I was slowly being torn apart into pieces. I really wanted to die...

God made His move though, because I felt the need to live no matter what was going on. Yes, I was still scared then, but God gave me enough strength to face what came my way. He made me brave enough to let go of my baby and leave everything upon Him. He gave me all the reasons to live and realize that it wasn't the end of the world, even if I felt like it was.

After Him taking away my baby, I was so depressed. I was in fact, totally devastated inside. I had so many questions that I never dared to ask God so I just searched the internet for answers. I knew I didn't have any right to question God so I just asked my self if there were things that I should/shouldn't have done. I cried for countless nights thinking what ifs and imagining the scenarios had my baby been able to survive.

While going through the series of bleeding and pelvic pains before the actual miscarriage, it was God who was with me all the time. I will forever be grateful to my spouse Barry, my son Boris, my parents, brothers, relatives, and friends for being there showing all the love and support. However, it is God who deserves all the credit for making me a better person after all of these. It is He who gave me peace of mind every time I was scared and worried. His scriptures gave me reason to smile in spite of all the pain.

Three weeks after losing my darling little Beatrice, I must say that I am better. I don't cry as much as I used to thinking about her. I can look at her pictures now without having to cry or feel bad. I can relate the story to some people without having to cry a river. I smile more often, and even manage to have fun with the family.

God is good, because I was blessed. I may not have the chance to hold my baby in my arms, but I know I have an angel to watch over me and my loved ones. I know, she's there, somewhere... She's keeping an eye on me to remind me of God's greatness.

Because I was blessed, I would like to share this:

"Though the LORD is on high, yet He regards the lowly; but the proud He knows from afar" (Psalm 138:6).

Take time to ponder... God bless us all.