Yesterday, I did not go to the cemetery to celebrate the "All Saints'/Souls' Day." I did not find any reason for me to do so. Not that I don't believe in this Filipino culture. I grew up in a family who finds time to go to the cemetery every year in memory of our departed, on this day. When I was a child, this day was one of those days I look forward to, because it's like a reunion for us relatives. However, this year is different from those years.
This is the 1st of November that I had one person so close to me who died. My daughter, who I lost in a miscarriage last September. She is not buried in the cemetery but at the vacant lot at the back of our house. That's why, instead of going to the cemetery, I spent some time praying for my daughter's soul at the back of our house.
When I was there, I did not cry. I all most did but I did not want to. I did not want to feel so sad because it's like saying that I have not completely let her go. I know I had let her go and want her to be in peace. It's just that, I still cannot prevent my self from thinking the possibilities. I still think that if she's alive and still in my womb, I am probably not there. I am probably in bed and just resting or doing something else. Or perhaps, I am enjoying the moments that she's kicking in my womb while I silently pray for our departed.
There are so many possibilities, and so many wishes in my heart. I know that if she's still here in my womb and there are no complications in my pregnancy, I will be truly happy. But then again, I can only think of those possibilities. There is no way that any of those will come true.
This is the 1st of November that I had one person so close to me who died. My daughter, who I lost in a miscarriage last September. She is not buried in the cemetery but at the vacant lot at the back of our house. That's why, instead of going to the cemetery, I spent some time praying for my daughter's soul at the back of our house.
When I was there, I did not cry. I all most did but I did not want to. I did not want to feel so sad because it's like saying that I have not completely let her go. I know I had let her go and want her to be in peace. It's just that, I still cannot prevent my self from thinking the possibilities. I still think that if she's alive and still in my womb, I am probably not there. I am probably in bed and just resting or doing something else. Or perhaps, I am enjoying the moments that she's kicking in my womb while I silently pray for our departed.
There are so many possibilities, and so many wishes in my heart. I know that if she's still here in my womb and there are no complications in my pregnancy, I will be truly happy. But then again, I can only think of those possibilities. There is no way that any of those will come true.
She is gone, and will never be back...
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