a letter to our angel

My Angel Beatrice,

I had long waited for the time that you will come into our lives. Fortunately or unfortunately, we had you in our lives for nearly four months. I honestly don't know if I am happy or sad whenever the thought of you enters my mind.

I know I will never be able to accept that we lost you. I thought that I will be the happiest mother if we'd have you. However, my happiness was short-lived because of that miscarriage. I will never forget how I felt like dying when I saw you came out of me. It was a horrible experience that I never want to remember anymore. But then again, I guess I will have to live with the memory of you. I may have died when I saw you. Nonetheless, I can't deny the fact that it's also you who gave me the courage to face life again.

You made me want to stand up whenever I fall down. You made me realize that every pain I had to go through is worth everything. I may not have had the opportunity to hug and kiss you. Yet, I had the chance to make you feel how much I love you. I had the chance to feel that you loved mommy too.

I hope that I will have another you. Another baby Beatrice who will complete our family. Barry, Boris and I will be waiting for another little angel in our lives.

I love you darling. I always will...

thanks

It has been four weeks since the day I lost my darling little angel Beatrice Enna. With God's help and my family and friends' support, I am better now and has recovered physically. I know I will never heal completely in the sense that there will always be a little part of me that will feel the pain upon remembering her. However, I can safely say that I am also better emotionally and is now ready to face the world.

Hello world! I'm back. I am ready to go back to what I had been doing before. God made me a stronger person and I will not fail Him this time. To God be the glory, because at this point in my life, I have witnessed His unconditional love. May He be with me as I begin another chapter in my life. I hope and pray that He will allow me to fulfill my dreams for my self and my family in the near future.

My angel Beatrice, please always remind mommy of God's love so that I will not be in the wrong path any more...

To Barry, Boris, mommy, daddy, kuya, Bong, tita Evelyn, tita Aida, tita Silda, Vince, MJ, Daisy, Lovely, Elaine, Cynthia, Lentot, Lenlen, Lindsay, Apple, Yeth, Mags, Alma, Riza, Cecille, Elai, Bhelle, AJ, pareng Elo, Remily, Donna, mama Vicky, papa Jimmy, (and other friends and family that I forgot to mention, I'm sorry) specially to Dr. Danilo Centeno and his staff, thank you so much for everything. Of course, thank You Lord for Your love and for giving me my family and friends... I love you everyone!

I am Nothing

"I am my Lord's humble servant. I am nothing without Him."

This is what I realized when it seemed that nothing seemed right and everything was wrong a few weeks ago. As you know, I had a miscarriage all most three weeks ago. I felt so low that I even thought that I wanted to die and just leave everyone. I wanted to be spared from what I was going through then, even if it might mean death for me.

Some people may understand what I've been through. Some people may have had worse experience that they'd just think I'm not strong enough. Honestly, I felt then that no matter how brave I thought I was, I was too scared when things slowly got out of place. I felt like I was slowly being torn apart into pieces. I really wanted to die...

God made His move though, because I felt the need to live no matter what was going on. Yes, I was still scared then, but God gave me enough strength to face what came my way. He made me brave enough to let go of my baby and leave everything upon Him. He gave me all the reasons to live and realize that it wasn't the end of the world, even if I felt like it was.

After Him taking away my baby, I was so depressed. I was in fact, totally devastated inside. I had so many questions that I never dared to ask God so I just searched the internet for answers. I knew I didn't have any right to question God so I just asked my self if there were things that I should/shouldn't have done. I cried for countless nights thinking what ifs and imagining the scenarios had my baby been able to survive.

While going through the series of bleeding and pelvic pains before the actual miscarriage, it was God who was with me all the time. I will forever be grateful to my spouse Barry, my son Boris, my parents, brothers, relatives, and friends for being there showing all the love and support. However, it is God who deserves all the credit for making me a better person after all of these. It is He who gave me peace of mind every time I was scared and worried. His scriptures gave me reason to smile in spite of all the pain.

Three weeks after losing my darling little Beatrice, I must say that I am better. I don't cry as much as I used to thinking about her. I can look at her pictures now without having to cry or feel bad. I can relate the story to some people without having to cry a river. I smile more often, and even manage to have fun with the family.

God is good, because I was blessed. I may not have the chance to hold my baby in my arms, but I know I have an angel to watch over me and my loved ones. I know, she's there, somewhere... She's keeping an eye on me to remind me of God's greatness.

Because I was blessed, I would like to share this:

"Though the LORD is on high, yet He regards the lowly; but the proud He knows from afar" (Psalm 138:6).

Take time to ponder... God bless us all.