perfect time

Blood on my underwear last Saturday was not a welcome sight for me. It reminded me of the miscarriage I had to go through in September. Somehow, I got traumatized with what happened that I don't want any thing to remind me of it. Aside from that, I was disappointed that I had to have my monthly period again after trying to get pregnant.

I was even excited thinking that I could have been pregnant again. I did not use the overpass for quite a few days and opted to use the pedestrian lane whenever I cross the street lately. When I felt dizzy in some occasions, I felt happy thinking that it was one of the signs. I thought I should regularly take my vitamins. I also thought that I will not be engaging my self in strenuous activities.

I know I cannot push for whatever I want. No matter how I want to conceive, the decision is not mine alone. At the end of the day, it's the Lord's will that matters here. He will be the one deciding if I should conceive and give birth once again. He will be the one who will make things happen, according to His plans.

I guess I'm too desperate about this when in fact I should not be. There's no reason for me to be in a hurry. All of us in the household would want to see a new addition to the family. However, I'm the only one who is so eager to have another baby. They are all patiently waiting while I'm so persistent in trying.

Come to think of it, God must have known that there are a lot of things we have to consider before trying to conceive again. Not only do we have a lot of debts to pay, we also have a monthly amortization to take care of now. God probably thought that we should settle our debts first and for us to be more stable before having another baby. Of course, He wants us to be able to provide our baby with all of his/her needs when the time comes that He will give the baby to us.

"Baby, it may not be the right time. I'm in a hurry, but I know I can wait. I believe that you will be coming into our lives in God's perfect time!"

nursing mom again

"Breastfeeding is still best for babies up to two years and beyond."

I remembered this line from infant formula commercials as I think about the weird dream I had the other night.

In that dream, someone I know just gave birth. Then, one day she left her baby to my care because she has important matters to attend to. I was so happy to have a baby even for one day only so I gladly obliged.

Then, for some reason I nursed the baby and had milk. It was such a lovely feeling to have breast milk once again and to be able to feed a baby. I felt how bonded I was with the baby at that time and it seemed like she is my own flesh and blood.

Unfortunately, that was just a dream. I woke up and had the images of my dream to feel happy about. At least, for some time I became a nursing mom again to an infant. It was one of the nicest things in becoming a mother. Hopefully, that can still turn to reality in God's time.

For the meantime, I have to focus on becoming the best mother to my son Boris. I may not have the ability to nurse him anymore, but I still have the privilege to treat him like a baby. For now, he allows me to baby him and I should maximize on that.

To the mothers out there who have babies less than two years old, I hope that you would breastfeed your babies. Our mammary glands are wonderful gifts from God that our babies should have as their primary source of food. Or do you want your husbands to just get all the benefits? It's up to you, but think about it...

I am Nothing

"I am my Lord's humble servant. I am nothing without Him."

This is what I realized when it seemed that nothing seemed right and everything was wrong a few weeks ago. As you know, I had a miscarriage all most three weeks ago. I felt so low that I even thought that I wanted to die and just leave everyone. I wanted to be spared from what I was going through then, even if it might mean death for me.

Some people may understand what I've been through. Some people may have had worse experience that they'd just think I'm not strong enough. Honestly, I felt then that no matter how brave I thought I was, I was too scared when things slowly got out of place. I felt like I was slowly being torn apart into pieces. I really wanted to die...

God made His move though, because I felt the need to live no matter what was going on. Yes, I was still scared then, but God gave me enough strength to face what came my way. He made me brave enough to let go of my baby and leave everything upon Him. He gave me all the reasons to live and realize that it wasn't the end of the world, even if I felt like it was.

After Him taking away my baby, I was so depressed. I was in fact, totally devastated inside. I had so many questions that I never dared to ask God so I just searched the internet for answers. I knew I didn't have any right to question God so I just asked my self if there were things that I should/shouldn't have done. I cried for countless nights thinking what ifs and imagining the scenarios had my baby been able to survive.

While going through the series of bleeding and pelvic pains before the actual miscarriage, it was God who was with me all the time. I will forever be grateful to my spouse Barry, my son Boris, my parents, brothers, relatives, and friends for being there showing all the love and support. However, it is God who deserves all the credit for making me a better person after all of these. It is He who gave me peace of mind every time I was scared and worried. His scriptures gave me reason to smile in spite of all the pain.

Three weeks after losing my darling little Beatrice, I must say that I am better. I don't cry as much as I used to thinking about her. I can look at her pictures now without having to cry or feel bad. I can relate the story to some people without having to cry a river. I smile more often, and even manage to have fun with the family.

God is good, because I was blessed. I may not have the chance to hold my baby in my arms, but I know I have an angel to watch over me and my loved ones. I know, she's there, somewhere... She's keeping an eye on me to remind me of God's greatness.

Because I was blessed, I would like to share this:

"Though the LORD is on high, yet He regards the lowly; but the proud He knows from afar" (Psalm 138:6).

Take time to ponder... God bless us all.

yakap

Hindi ko malimutan ang pag-uusap namin ng anak kong si Boris kanina. Sabi nya habang naglalaro ng computer, "mommy, pahinging tubig." Sinagot ko sya ng "anak ang lapit ng ref kumuha ka mag-isa." Nakakagulat ang sagot nya. "Di ba patay na si baby?" Sinagot ko naman ng, "oo bakit?" Sabay sabi nya ng, "eh bakit ayaw mo pang tumayo dyan?"

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa o magagalit ako sa usapang iyon. Nakakatuwang isiping sa murang edad ng anak ko ay naunawaan nya na hindi ako halos maaaring tumayo mula sa kama sa panahong naka-bed rest ako noon. Yun ang mga panahong nanganib mawala ang aking ipinagbubuntis na sinubukan naming iligtas. Magkagayunman, nasaktan ako nang marinig kong sabihin nya ang salitang "patay na si baby." Parang ipinamukha nya sa akin ang katotohanang pilit kong kinakalimutan.

Naisip ko, hindi ko pa lubos na natatanggap ang katotohanan. Hindi ko pa kayang marinig mula sa bibig ng ibang tao na wala na ang sanggol na dinala ko sa sinapupunan ko. Panganay ko ang nagsalita noon, pero tila labis pa rin ang sakit. Bagama't alam kong ibinigay ko na sa Panginoon ang aming munting anghel, naramdaman kong hindi pa naghihilom ang sugat na nilikha ng pagkawala nya. Nagdurugo pa rin ito.

Alam ko, anuman ang gawin ko o saanman ako makarating, hindi ko malilimutan ang mga nagyari. Ang totoo, wala naman akong nais kalimutan. Gusto ko ang alaalang iniwan ng aming bunso kahit sa maikling panahong dinala ko sya. Siya ang muling naglapit sa akin sa Panginoon. Siya rin ang higit na nagpatibay ng pagsasama at pagmamahalan naming mag-asawa. Kaya lang, ang nililimot ko ay ang mapait na katotohanang hindi ko na sya makikita. Na hindi ko sya mayayakap kailanman...


ang sarap sana kung bukod kay Boris ay may isang
anghel pang yumayakap sa akin tulad nito

second chance

I had such an unforgettable and fearful morning last Monday, August 18. I woke up at around 4 am with blood clots on my underwear. I didn't know what to do. All I know is that I was so frightened that I was crying while waking my spouse up to bring me to the hospital.
My spouse didn't say a word and just accompanied me to the doctor. I saw in his eyes that there were a lot of questions as to what is happening but he can't say anything. After hours of waiting (which seemed a lifetime) for the doctor's advice, we weren't still sure as to what we can expect. We were told that we can only be so sure if everything's all right if an ultrasound will be done to see if our baby is fine. However, the ultrasound can't be done that day because they said that it was a holiday and that ultrasounds are done on office hours. We decided that we'd just go home and I'd just call my ob-gyne and ask for his advice.
I was able to talk to my ob-gyne through the phone and he gave me a prescription. I had to take duvadilan and duphaston, both to relax my uterus from contracting and prevent an abortion and any further bleeding. I was advised to be on bed rest until after three days for him to see me personally and an ultrasound be done.
While waiting for my spouse who bought my medicine, I sent messages to a few of my friends and relatives (i only had little load left on prepaid) to ask for prayers. I also prayed that time. As a matter of fact, on the way to the hospital and all most every other minute of silence, I was praying on my mind that God will not take our baby away and let us have him/her.
I barely cried afterwards as the doctor also advised that i take enough rest and for me not to think of anything stressful but only positive thoughts. Anyway, it's such a relief to know that aside from my spouse, my brothers, parents, relatives, and friends expressed their support and prayers for me and our baby. I was optimistic that everything will be all right, specially when my best friend sent me an sms saying that "GOD IS IN CONTROL."
It was friday, August 22 when I had my ultrasound and first check up with my ob gyne since the incident last Monday. I can't describe the feeling when i heard the sonologist said that the baby is doing good. Heartbeat and development is normal. The doctor advised that i be on continued bed rest because the baby is not completely out of danger.
Yesterday, August 25, I had another check-up with my ob-gyne. He said that I have to have a lot of water intake as my baby's amniotic fluid is inadequate. He then suggested that I get a liter of IV (intravenous fluids or suero) to make sure that my baby will get enough amniotic fluid faster. I was then told that my next check up will be four weeks after that and another ultrasound is needed for us to know if our baby's development is perfectly fine. For the meantime, I have to continue the bed rest so as not to endanger our baby's life anymore.
Last night, I was able to have a good night sleep for the first time since that incident. I know we still have to go a long way in terms of waiting for this pregnancy to be over. Nonetheless, the thought that we were given a second chance to prove that we can take care of our baby is enough for me. After countless prayers, God gave me the peace of mind and in my heart I feel His assurance that everything will be all right.

heart beat

When I had my monthly check-up yesterday, I had to wait for more than an hour for my turn to be called in the doctor's room. I know it was my fault because I came in later than my schedule, but I really can't help my self. I felt so disappointed that I had to wait for such a long time, with the fact that there are no good magazines to read and that they're watching the rival network of what I watch on TV.

Anyway, around fifteen minutes before I was called, my spouse came from the house (the clinic is walking distance from the house) to accompany me to the doctor. When it was finally my turn, I felt relieved that I'm not alone in my pre-natal check up and the one beside me is the same man who was with me in making this baby.

The doctor's assistant then asked me to lie down after a few questions from the doctor. She used a doppler device (I'm not sure if it's indeed called that way) over my lower abdomen. I was almost teary eyed when I heard my little angel's heart beat for the first time. It was such an overwhelming experience that I want to tell my baby that I can't wait to see him/her.

The doctor had a few reminders and even gave me a prescription for my cough and colds, as well as my UTI. I thanked him for his help but I was like floating on the clouds as I think of that wonderful experience of hearing my baby's heart beat for the first time.


this is how a usual doppler device
looks like

Week 8 of Pregnancy

How the baby grows and other changes according to one webpage, and how I perceive them to be.


Fetal Development

An ultrasound done at this stage should show a fluttering heartbeat. Elbows begin to form in the arms and fingers start to develop. The leg buds begin to show feet with tiny notches for the toes. The face continues to change as the ears, eyes and the tip of the nose appear. The intestines start to form in the umbilical cord. Teeth develop under the gums.

It’s good to know that my baby’s heart beats this early. Who says that at this stage of pregnancy it’s okay to abort the baby because it’s just blood? (“dugo pa lang yan” as they say) The baby may be too small, but he’s fast developing his organs and growing to be a wonderful creature of God. May God bless the souls of those who ever think of abortion, for life is a miracle that every one should celebrate.

Maternal Changes:
Your uterus is the size of an orange now, and you may find your waistline expanding. If this is your first pregnancy, you're probably not showing. If it's not your first, you may have a "pooch" already. You will tend to show earlier in subsequent pregnancies since your muscles and ligaments aren't so tight.

Is my waistline expanding? Yes, it does show a bit, mainly because I’m having constipation frequently as one of the sickness this pregnancy brings.

You may be feeling like a teenager if you find yourself with pimples and other skin problems. Don't fret ~ pregnancy causes an increase in oil secretions not to mention those rampant hormones! Your break-outs will go away either after the first trimester as your hormones level off or after delivery.

Ahhh, this is really very true. I do have a lot of pimples lately. It’s as if they’re never going away. Lucky me coz there’s still some space left in my face for break-outs. Hehehe!!!

Ideas for Dad:

When mom goes to her first prenatal appointment, you'll be doing yourself a huge favor by making every effort to go with her. Be an involved parent NOW! Ask the doctor/midwife questions and share in this adventure. Take mom out for a nice meal afterwards to celebrate and talk about the appointment.

He’d be doing himself a huge favor? I doubt it. He’s never involved when it comes to my prenatal check-ups before. I don’t think he’s too excited to try coming with me. Take me out for a nice meal? Unless I ask that we eat out, that’s really impossible.



Credits: http://www.pregnancyguideonline.com/



this is how it looks like on the 8th week