perfect time

Blood on my underwear last Saturday was not a welcome sight for me. It reminded me of the miscarriage I had to go through in September. Somehow, I got traumatized with what happened that I don't want any thing to remind me of it. Aside from that, I was disappointed that I had to have my monthly period again after trying to get pregnant.

I was even excited thinking that I could have been pregnant again. I did not use the overpass for quite a few days and opted to use the pedestrian lane whenever I cross the street lately. When I felt dizzy in some occasions, I felt happy thinking that it was one of the signs. I thought I should regularly take my vitamins. I also thought that I will not be engaging my self in strenuous activities.

I know I cannot push for whatever I want. No matter how I want to conceive, the decision is not mine alone. At the end of the day, it's the Lord's will that matters here. He will be the one deciding if I should conceive and give birth once again. He will be the one who will make things happen, according to His plans.

I guess I'm too desperate about this when in fact I should not be. There's no reason for me to be in a hurry. All of us in the household would want to see a new addition to the family. However, I'm the only one who is so eager to have another baby. They are all patiently waiting while I'm so persistent in trying.

Come to think of it, God must have known that there are a lot of things we have to consider before trying to conceive again. Not only do we have a lot of debts to pay, we also have a monthly amortization to take care of now. God probably thought that we should settle our debts first and for us to be more stable before having another baby. Of course, He wants us to be able to provide our baby with all of his/her needs when the time comes that He will give the baby to us.

"Baby, it may not be the right time. I'm in a hurry, but I know I can wait. I believe that you will be coming into our lives in God's perfect time!"

a letter to our angel

My Angel Beatrice,

I had long waited for the time that you will come into our lives. Fortunately or unfortunately, we had you in our lives for nearly four months. I honestly don't know if I am happy or sad whenever the thought of you enters my mind.

I know I will never be able to accept that we lost you. I thought that I will be the happiest mother if we'd have you. However, my happiness was short-lived because of that miscarriage. I will never forget how I felt like dying when I saw you came out of me. It was a horrible experience that I never want to remember anymore. But then again, I guess I will have to live with the memory of you. I may have died when I saw you. Nonetheless, I can't deny the fact that it's also you who gave me the courage to face life again.

You made me want to stand up whenever I fall down. You made me realize that every pain I had to go through is worth everything. I may not have had the opportunity to hug and kiss you. Yet, I had the chance to make you feel how much I love you. I had the chance to feel that you loved mommy too.

I hope that I will have another you. Another baby Beatrice who will complete our family. Barry, Boris and I will be waiting for another little angel in our lives.

I love you darling. I always will...

this time I will win

Why do they have to make things difficult for me? All I am asking for is to get my maternity benefit. Is it not my right as a member of the organization?

What's wrong with them? Why do they even have to suspect that what happened to me was not a misfortune but planned?

I never wanted to have a miscarriage. Since the start of the year, my spouse and I have tried our best to conceive. We wanted to have a second baby so bad that I even nag him whenever I have my monthly period then. That is because I didn't want to have my monthly period at that time and wanted to get pregnant as soon as possible. How can they be so cruel?

Why do they have to deny me of my maternity benefit? Why do they have to insist that there should have been a histopath and then conclude that I must have had an abortion that's why I don't have that document.

How the h*ll will I know that I needed that document to get a maternity benefit? In the first place, I never expected that my second pregnancy will result to a miscarriage. For quite some time, I believed that I will be giving birth to a healthy baby girl come February or March 2009. Nobody in the family wanted to lose our most awaited baby girl, specially me. I even had a name for her in as early as two years ago.

I don't remember the last time I cried because of this miscarriage. But now, I can't help it. I tried to be strong and take what happens as a challenge. Yet, I can't deny that this brings back the pain in my heart. I am so hurt thinking that I lost my baby no matter how we tried to save her. Then now what? Some people in the government who know nothing but graft and corruption will have the guts to think that I will lie about my miscarriage.

God forgive me. May those people be spared from the sufferings in life like the ones I had to go through. May they find it in their heart to believe that a miscarriage is so painful. There's no need for anyone to make up such a story for the amount of P30,000.00. I'd tell you, I will give anyone all the money in the world if I can only have my baby back.

I did not complain when SSS asked me too many documents after I delivered Boris before. I knew I was entitled to my maternity benefit then but I did not push for it because what is important is that I have our Boris. It's just that this time, I did not even have the chance to hug my little baby to compensate for all the troubles that I had to deal with. My spouse and I are in debt after the medicines and hospitalization. That maternity benefit is supposed to pay our debts. There's no way that they will be denying me that.

I don't know what to do any more. I can't think well. All I know is that, I can't and will not allow SSS to give me so much pain and agony. I will fight this battle and will do everything to win this time. Enough of their silly ways. I did not become a student of my alma mater for nothing.

If this has to be a tough battle, so be it. God will help me win this, I know...



you can open this link to see if SSS is asking for histopath anywhere in the requirements to reimburse your maternity benefit after a miscarriage/ abortion/pregnancy:
http://www.gov.ph/download/sss/mat2.pdf

(according to) God's plans

It has been all most a week since my last post. I tried to have a blog entry for the past days but was not able to come up with one. I had a very busy first week at work.

Yes, it's right. I have a new job. I have found a new job after five months of staying at home. Finally, I was able to find a day time call center job that would not require me to be awake at nights and asleep in the morning.

Don't get me wrong now. I loved my graveyard call center job with HSBC before. I had good salary, perks, benefits, and lovely friends. I had wonderful TLs and even got along with maintenance and security people. It's just that, I'm more used to waking up in the mornings and sleeping at nights. I had to leave that company because my health suffered when I was there. I just can't compromise my health any more just to have those that I had with HSBC. So there, I worked for an Australian account to have my life back.

I was with Acquire Asia Pacific for roughly five months. I wanted to stay there for good but there had been indifferences between me and some colleagues. I guess, I was not able to set aside my principles at that time in favor of my work. My rebellious nature got me resigning even before regularization. It was a blessing in disguise though, as I got pregnant and found out about it a month after resigning.

Then as some of you know, that pregnancy had to end with miscarriage. I was willing to stay at home and on bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy if needed. However, no amount of rest or caution saved my baby. Thus, I found my self busy looking for a new job a month after that incident.

My goal is to find a job at least before Christmas. I wanted to make sure that I will have enough funds to buy Christmas presents and goodies for everyone. My prayer then was, to have a day shift job to have a pretty normal life. But, I was willing to take a graveyard job again if there's nothing to fit me in the morning shift. Luckily, I found one that suits me.

Honestly, I am not going to receive the same salary or benefits that I used to enjoy with HSBC. Not even close to that from Acquire. I will be receiving less. But then again, it's not always about money. I told my self that this is better than having to settle for a night shift work again. At least, I can say that there's a lot of promise in this company as early as now. I know that if I will just be patient, I'll have what I believe I deserve here.

Hopefully, this time I will not be stubborn and resign again before regularization. Hopefully, this time I will be staying for good and build my career. Hopefully, things will turn positive, according to God's plans...

gone

Yesterday, I did not go to the cemetery to celebrate the "All Saints'/Souls' Day." I did not find any reason for me to do so. Not that I don't believe in this Filipino culture. I grew up in a family who finds time to go to the cemetery every year in memory of our departed, on this day. When I was a child, this day was one of those days I look forward to, because it's like a reunion for us relatives. However, this year is different from those years.
This is the 1st of November that I had one person so close to me who died. My daughter, who I lost in a miscarriage last September. She is not buried in the cemetery but at the vacant lot at the back of our house. That's why, instead of going to the cemetery, I spent some time praying for my daughter's soul at the back of our house.
When I was there, I did not cry. I all most did but I did not want to. I did not want to feel so sad because it's like saying that I have not completely let her go. I know I had let her go and want her to be in peace. It's just that, I still cannot prevent my self from thinking the possibilities. I still think that if she's alive and still in my womb, I am probably not there. I am probably in bed and just resting or doing something else. Or perhaps, I am enjoying the moments that she's kicking in my womb while I silently pray for our departed.
There are so many possibilities, and so many wishes in my heart. I know that if she's still here in my womb and there are no complications in my pregnancy, I will be truly happy. But then again, I can only think of those possibilities. There is no way that any of those will come true.

She is gone, and will never be back...

getting pregnant (avoiding it for now)

"How soon can we try to get pregnant doctor?"

I remember asking this to my obstetrician gynecologist after my last post miscarriage check-up with him. His answer was, "after you get to have your monthly period again."

I smiled at him and said thank you. I thought then, it's good to know that my spouse and I can try that soon.

Last Thursday, October 2, I had my menstrual period back. It was exactly a month after my miscarriage. What came into my mind after the sight of the blood was, "I can get pregnant again." We can try as soon as this month and we can get a positive result as soon as next month.

Well, that was a thought. I came to a realization that we must avoid getting pregnant for the moment. Of course, I still would want to get pregnant asap. But, I am not so sure if I am 100% ready. (at least physically) I remember my doctor even telling me then, "just make sure you will monitor your urine." He told me then that having a urinary tract infection while pregnant can also cause uterine contractions and pre-term labor, which I had when I was pregnant. Which means, my UTI back then could be one of the culprits for that miscarriage.

I know I'm not feeling any symptom of UTI now. Yet, I can't be too complacent. I should be able to have a regular urinalysis as my doctor advised. I should also take my multivitamins regularly and even exercise. I am very much aware that if I want to get pregnant again, I have to be healthy. I have to prepare my self physically in order to prevent any untoward incident. I don't think I would be able to handle another miscarriage again.

Since I don't want to get pregnant again, I searched the internet for the ovulation calendar I used back in April to monitor my monthly periods. I was able to use the free version of the software only as I don't have a credit card to use to purchase it. This worked for me, considering that after just a month of using it I got pregnant. If you want, you can try this for yourself. Ovulation Calendar

For the meantime, I will focus on getting a new job while preparing my self physically. Besides, Christmas is fast approaching. Which means I need to have a source of income. I have to have enough money to buy presents and food for the holidays. I also need to have a health card again to avail of free consultations to the doctor.

I hope I am on the right track. I hope that God is with me always. May He let us know when to try conceiving again...


sample image of the ovulation calendar I'm using

humble servant

Let me share a scripture I read today. "A man's pride will bring him low, but the humble in spirit will retain honor" (Proverbs 29:23)

This is something that I am very aware of since I was a kid. However, I was one of the proud guys people around me know of. Not that I boast everything to everybody, but I know to my self that I am good at a lot of things. So, I usually don't bow down to anybody, nor do I follow everything that I'm being told to do. I must admit that my pride got me in conflict with people such as my parents, brothers, spouse, colleagues, and even bosses at work.

When I had my miscarriage four weeks ago, I realized how bad I've become because of my pride. It was like a movie wherein I had a flash back of what happened in my past. I felt terrible thinking that I could have been a better person had I set aside my pride a lot of times. I could have been a better human being had I followed the scriptures.

I know I cannot turn the time back. Yet, I'm aware that I can have a better future now that I've accepted that I am nothing without God. I am His humble servant and I can only be the best of what and who I want to be when I have Him in my life...


if I can only be as humble as a kid just like my sone Boris here always...

I am Nothing

"I am my Lord's humble servant. I am nothing without Him."

This is what I realized when it seemed that nothing seemed right and everything was wrong a few weeks ago. As you know, I had a miscarriage all most three weeks ago. I felt so low that I even thought that I wanted to die and just leave everyone. I wanted to be spared from what I was going through then, even if it might mean death for me.

Some people may understand what I've been through. Some people may have had worse experience that they'd just think I'm not strong enough. Honestly, I felt then that no matter how brave I thought I was, I was too scared when things slowly got out of place. I felt like I was slowly being torn apart into pieces. I really wanted to die...

God made His move though, because I felt the need to live no matter what was going on. Yes, I was still scared then, but God gave me enough strength to face what came my way. He made me brave enough to let go of my baby and leave everything upon Him. He gave me all the reasons to live and realize that it wasn't the end of the world, even if I felt like it was.

After Him taking away my baby, I was so depressed. I was in fact, totally devastated inside. I had so many questions that I never dared to ask God so I just searched the internet for answers. I knew I didn't have any right to question God so I just asked my self if there were things that I should/shouldn't have done. I cried for countless nights thinking what ifs and imagining the scenarios had my baby been able to survive.

While going through the series of bleeding and pelvic pains before the actual miscarriage, it was God who was with me all the time. I will forever be grateful to my spouse Barry, my son Boris, my parents, brothers, relatives, and friends for being there showing all the love and support. However, it is God who deserves all the credit for making me a better person after all of these. It is He who gave me peace of mind every time I was scared and worried. His scriptures gave me reason to smile in spite of all the pain.

Three weeks after losing my darling little Beatrice, I must say that I am better. I don't cry as much as I used to thinking about her. I can look at her pictures now without having to cry or feel bad. I can relate the story to some people without having to cry a river. I smile more often, and even manage to have fun with the family.

God is good, because I was blessed. I may not have the chance to hold my baby in my arms, but I know I have an angel to watch over me and my loved ones. I know, she's there, somewhere... She's keeping an eye on me to remind me of God's greatness.

Because I was blessed, I would like to share this:

"Though the LORD is on high, yet He regards the lowly; but the proud He knows from afar" (Psalm 138:6).

Take time to ponder... God bless us all.

I died... (and lived)

I died. Slowly, and painfully, over and over again.

I don't know if it's called exaggeration or over-acting, but that's how I felt for the past few weeks. It started when I had those blood clots and pelvic pains three weeks ago. I was so afraid thinking that I might have a miscarriage and lose our baby. We followed all of the doctor's instructions and I took all of the prescriptions to make sure that we will be able to save our baby. Each and every day, I prayed to God that He keep our baby safe and make every thing all right.

I had to be on bed rest. I rarely made time to sit in front of the computer. I made sure I'm relaxed and worry free all the time. I even told my self that I will never entertain anger in my heart for the duration of my pregnancy. I even told God that I will do whatever it takes to make sure that our baby is safe.

I was lucky enough to have the support and prayers of my dear friends. I was so grateful that my family and my spouse have always been with me in each and every step of the way. They have all been helpful for me to go through each day of uncertainty and hope.

I learned to seek God's help more often as the days passed. I found my self holding the bible day in and day out, hoping that the scriptures will help me feel better. I was telling God then that I will be a better wife and mother, and a better person as a whole. I made promises to God in hope that He will be delighted and take care of our baby.

Two weeks after that fearful morning that I had blood clots and pelvic pains, I woke up feeling the pain again. I was so afraid to pee that Sunday morning because I didn't want to see any blood. To my dismay, there was blood. It wasn't as much as before, but I was afraid I had to get the bible and pray. I told my mom as soon as she woke up and asked her to call a doctor.

I was brought to the doctor late that afternoon and admitted at his clinic for confinement. I was given intravenous fluids because the doctor said that I was dehydrated and then had an ultrasound later.

The sonologist said that our baby is still breathing and moving. However, I saw in her eyes that there's something wrong. My doctor then approached us and checked the ultrasound himself. He then asked that I be brought back to my bed.

A few minutes after, my doctor approached my husband and I and talked to us regarding the ultrasound results. He then said that I have a myoma (uterine fibroid) which prevents our baby from moving upwards to the right place in my uterus. He said that our baby is not secured in the place where she is. (which is almost near my cervix) Then, in a low voice he said that he will be honest to tell us that "the chances of our baby being saved is 50-50."

Bang! I felt like I was shot. I didn't know how to react. My husband had to hold my hand firmly as we try to understand what the doctor said. We thought everything will be all right upon knowing that she's fine in that ultrasound but we were wrong.

I can't explain what happened after. All I know is that my mom said later that I had to give our baby to the Lord because it seemed that there's nothing we can do. She said that my spouse and I must leave everything to God because with the myoma in my womb, our baby had little chance of surviving. I was crying like a baby as she tried to explain that my son Boris needs me more than a sister so I have to accept what fate has to offer.

That night, I hardly had time to sleep as I pray to God that His will be done. The pelvic pain went on as well as more blood clots. I held on to the bible as often as I could and hoped that there will be a miracle or something. I also told God that if our baby will survive this, I hope that she will survive all the way to the ninth month. Or if not, then let her not suffer much time in my womb, only to die. I was like crazy, because in my mind I was thinking that it's okay if I will die for as long as my daughter will live, but on the other side I was thinking that I am willing to give my daughter to the Lord because Boris needs me more.

That Monday, I had to go through so much physical and emotional pain brought by the situation. I felt like being tortured, and even killed over and over again. The doctor said that there's medicine in my IV fluids to stop the bleeding and pelvic pains but it just went on. The doctor then said, "I guess we can't save the baby anymore."

Bang! I was shot again. I told the doctor that we've accepted the situation and are prepared to face whatever happens. Yet, I know that I was still convincing my self that things will be all right. My spouse can only hug me tight and show his unwavering love and support even though I saw in his eyes that he wanted to cry.

That Monday night up until the dawn of Tuesday, I felt labor pains that really made me cry. I was so down I wanted to die. I was killed over and over thinking that all of the sufferings and physical pains I had to endure were not in any way going to save our baby.

Finally, I delivered our baby as I peed around five in the morning. I died for the nth time and only God knows how I wanted to see our baby. But, I wanted to see her alive, and not in that state. She was so small and fragile. The doctor had to bring me to the delivery room for the d and c. (dilation and curettage) I was thinking then that I want to be sedated right away for me to be unconscious of what had just happened.

I woke up a few hours later and was brought back to my hospital bed. When the effect of the anesthesia was gone, I was brought back to reality. I held on to Barry and he hugged me tight. Then I cried a river uttering "baby ko." ( my baby!) He can only offer his warm embrace as I repeatedly uttered those words, hoping that I will be able to accept what happened.

Moving forward to this day, a week after that fateful day of my miscarriage. I asked my self if I'm okay. The answer is an indefinite yes. I am coping and trying to live a "normal" life. I know that God is faithful to His promises and that the things happened for a reason. I am not blaming any body for what occurred. Yet, I can't deny that I still feel like dying over and over again.

I don't know when will I ever stop crying, and thinking what could have been if she didn't die. I am healing my self and living each day with endless prayers. I thank God each day for my friends, family, and most specially Barry and Boris who made me feel blessed in spite of everything that went on.

I died so many times, but lived and will live so many times also. That is because for that short span of time that I had this whole experience, I became closer to my family and to God. God gave me hope that there will be a brighter day. He made me realize that I was blessed enough to have a meaningful three months of pregnancy that changed my life for the better, which will be forever.


As for our baby who we named Beatrice Enna, her memory will always remind us to be humble upon the Lord. She may not be around but her short existence is enough to prove to us that God is good, all the time.



I asked the Lord for strength with endless prayers
and reading the bible that day that I was confined